...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
