Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
