i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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