I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
