I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
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