one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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