Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
