I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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