help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
