im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
