i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Randomize
