Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
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