i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
