Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
