So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
