I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
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I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
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I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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