Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
