In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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