I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
the condom got lost in my hair
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
