You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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