some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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