the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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