forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
BRING THE BAGELS
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Pants are for mortals
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
