I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
