i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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