we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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