The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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