My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I think my nap took me to another dimension
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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