i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
My vagina just recognized that song.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
