alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Randomize
