If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
