I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
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