Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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