The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
