The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
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I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
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I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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