everyone is single if you try hard enough
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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