just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
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