we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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