Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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