how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
