No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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