hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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