I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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