I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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