mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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