Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Randomize
