I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
