Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
