I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
