eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
