I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
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Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
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The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
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