DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
