That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
