we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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