my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
