I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.