dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
