then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I will pee on everything he values.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
