see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
