dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
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Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
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